So, I was going to draw a cartoon about a kid in my Java class who reminds me of a friend of mine from high school, only except the kid in the Java class is his evil twin. I think I was inspired by the cartoons in "_why's (poignant) guide to Ruby" that I've been reading this past week, because that was sorta how I was picturing the cartoons in my head. But as I was sitting in Java class today, I started wondering why I felt a need to poke fun at this kid. I don't know him at all, don't even know his name. He rarely speaks in in class. He hasn't done anything to deserve to be lampooned on a fellow classmate's blog. Why was I casting him as "evil" in my mind?
Or take the two kids in the Java class who have been annoying me with their chatter, the ones who sit behind me. I didn't need to bring them up last week, but for some reason I did. I didn't need to speak about them in a derogatory manner-- I did so anyway. That was just kind of mean.
It was brought to my attention recently that I've been being negative. It hadn't really occurred to me that I was doing so. I hadn't thought of it as being negative-- I thought I was reacting to things around me that were frustrating me, but I never thought about why I was finding these things frustrating. It was a startling realization to make, and caused a bit of self-reflection on my part.
I think part of the frustration comes from a feeling of powerlessness, of impotence when confronted with the difference between the way I want the world to be and the way it actually is. Prior to my current job, my work over the last couple of years has been extremely frustrating, full of a sense of being powerless to change the culture of stagnation or alienation that I found myself in. It had gotten ingrained into me enough that I started to carry it over into my new job, but I was able to catch it and check it. I just never thought about how that sense of frustration had carried over into my personal life.
I don't really think of myself as a complainer, but I was complaining about my professor, complaining about my classmates, complaining about the pace of my class, almost as if I were looking for things to be frustrated about. And this was the satori that I had today in Java class, as the talkative kids were silent for once, as I sat staring at the back of the evil kid's head: it's easy to be negative. It takes work to be positive.
There's a Jack Kerouac quote that I ran across recently that's been running through my mind since: "All is well, practice kindness, heaven is nigh." The first and last parts ring true to me naturally-- I do tend to see the situation as being well, which may be why I didn't realize I was being negative. And "heaven is nigh" speaks to my Taoist acceptance of impermanence. But it's the middle part that I came back to today in Java class. I thought I understood before, but I see it a little clearer now: you have to practice kindness, you have to practice being positive instead of negative.
So, there will be no cartoon about the evil kid in my Java class today, though I'm not ruling out the possibility of future cartoons. Instead, I'm going to make a conscious effort to not lash out in my own frustration at those around me. I'm going to make a more concerted effort to be kind.
I got Whit this book from the library a couple of weeks ago called "Play Nice, Calico," about a cat who has trouble playing with her friends. I got it for him because he loves cats, and also because he has a tendency to manhandle our poor old house cat. I've found myself saying it to him several times since we read the book. "Play nice, Calico," as he grabs the cat by the tail.
It's a good thing for adults to remember as well. We're all stumbling along our paths blindly. We're all full of hope and fear, full of rage and grace. We need to remember this when someone cuts us off in traffic, or when someone holds up the line at the supermarket, or when someone's being annoying in class, or when someone leaves the sponge in the sink. Those are the moments, when the frustration kicks in, that we need to remember to practice kindness. To remember that it takes work to be positive instead of negative. To remember to play nice, Calico.
